Making Sense of Where You Are: The Four Stages of Life Change

🎙️ Listen to the podcast version of this post here.

image by Yannica Marriah

The following is a transcript version of a Coherence Podcast episode all about the Four Stages of Personal Transformation.

Today is a semi-throwback episode. I will be sharing with you a recording that I made back in 2021 and have since shared with at least 100 people. It’s an overview of the stages of a big life transition, or a ‘personal renewal’ as some call it.

It’s a framework that I share all the time with my clients because, as a coach, it’s my job to tune into what stage of a change cycle someone is in to know how best to meet them there. 

I find that it’s really reassuring to know that there is some kind of order to the often messy process of changing up your life. The four stages that I’ll tell you about in just a minute are not 100% linear, it’s not a given that you’ll move sequentially from one to the next and it’s not so concrete that you advance from one phase to the next and then never dip back into the previous phase. Just like life, it’s more muddled and complex than any framework can truly capture. 

But, we humans like frameworks for a reason. We crave order. We are constantly trying to make sense of things, and what better thing to try to make sense of than your own place in your own life? 

The stages of the change cycle came to mind very recently because as I have been sharing more about my signature course, Coherence, I have had some interested people write to me telling me where they are in their life and asking if the course would make sense for them. 

I have told a few people No. Anyone who felt like they know what they want to be doing next in life, they have a worthy goal they feel more or less committed and invested in, they are probably a little too far along in the change cycle process for the course. 

Coherence course is really for those in the Release, Heal, and approaching the Explore phase. You’ll understand what I mean when you listen to the rest of the episode and hear about these three phases. Coherence course is perfect for you if you feel ready to let go of your current work/life chapter or are in the confusing limbo phase of trying to piece together what you actually want. 

I hope that listening to this overview, even if you are comfortably working toward a clear goal and don’t feel like you are in a season of change, can be an added lens to view personal growth and not just your own development but a way to better see your friends, family, and loved ones around you. 

I’d also add that it’s a helpful lens to apply to our society as a whole. I would be curious to hear what stage you think we’re in. I’ll tell you where I think we are at the end of this episode. 

The last thing I’ll say before I share the episode is that this original recording was made before I conceived or created Coherence Podcast so you’ll recognize my voice but not the music (or the recording quality). It’s an artifact for me to remember both the consistency of things I’m interested in and the growth I’ve personally undergone in the past four years. So don’t be surprised by the different tone and style. Okay, without further preamble, here it is: 

Overview of life transitions and evolving to the next phase:

If you’ve made it here, it’s likely that you are curious about what it takes to make a big life change. 

Whatever you want to call it - Evolution, revolution, transformation, next chapter - we’re talking about a seriously big change from the inside out. 

When we go through a change this big, the way that we perceive and interpret the world fundamentally shifts. And so does our way of relating to ourselves and to others. 

We’re not entirely in control of this process, but we’re not entirely powerless in it either.

The aim of this recording is to give you an overview of the four different stages of the personal renewal cycle. I refer to the four stages as: Release, Heal, Explore and Launch. 

Once you get clearer on where you are in the process, you can better align your activities and what you focus on based on the recommendations for that particular stage.  

Today, we’ll be following my made up client, Ester. We’ll see how Ester experiences her world at each stage in the renewal cycle and hopefully learn a thing or two about the kinds of things she gets up to. 

But before we dive in, let me emphasize - one more time! - why it’s important to learn about this. Aside from just being a fascinating topic, the understanding of the different stages can really help you curate practices that suit you based on where you are. 

Each stage has a particular energy to it. Certain sets of emotions tend to show up and certain actions are best suited for each different phase. 

If you’re trying to begin training for a marathon when you should be doing restorative yoga and sleeping, you probably aren’t going to feel as motivated, nor be as successful.  

Instead of trying to take on things that don’t match up to where you’re at, listen to this explanation and be thinking about your own situation. . 

I know it can feel like a lot to try to make a big change all on your own. It’s a lot easier and it’s more effective to take on this change process with the support of others. I hope I can be a resource for you as you move along your way. 

So let’s learn about these stages. Starting with Release. 

Stage #1 - Release 

Meet Ester. 

She is a woman in her early 30s who considers herself loyal and dedicated, creative and collaborative and very competent. When she sets her mind to something, she goes for it. 

Ester has been working as a management consultant for 5 years now. She worked hard to work her way to this point, putting in long hours and going to extra networking events. She always liked the sound of the title “Consultant”. 

But for the past 6 months she has noticed a lacklusterness to how she feels at work. Her days are feeling rote, like she’s not really living her own life somehow. 

It’s confusing because she thought she wanted this job so much, and it was great for awhile, but now it feels like she is stuck in the dullness of it. 

The big tip off that you are likely going to be assessing your life choices begins with a void of meaning. You may have worked very hard to get to where you are but the original satisfaction of having reached that goal has faded. It could be that the goal itself was not what you truly wanted. Or it could be that you yourself has changed and the old goal is outdated. Whatever the case, your current environment is not in alignment with what you want. 

Ester feels the pain of the mismatch but is not sure where to go. This is the life she thought she wanted, but now it’s not really doing it for her. 

Her options at this point are to double down on the original goal (to be a management consultant) by trying it from a new angle. Maybe there is something about the current job that is off — the team or the commute? Maybe if she tried working for the other up and coming management consulting firm, she would like it better there. 

Her other option is to start working toward a new goal. Which would require leaving the old goal behind. Instead of searching for another job that pays well and has a fancy title that she likes, she realizes it could be something else, even if she’s not yet sure what that something else is. 

Here’s where the releasing process comes in: 

If you’re feeling at all like Ester, and decide to start from scratch, what will be required of you - if you choose this goal changing path -  is to start to disembed yourself from your current environment. Which is a fancy way of saying that you need to separate yourself out and get distance from your present reality and way of being. This doesn’t mean that you need to quit your job tomorrow or dump your current relationship or make any drastic external moves just yet. 

This is more of an awareness process. To be conscious that you are in a version of reality that isn’t the only possible reality. It’s kind of like seeing that you are playing a character with a certain script and that you could just as well be playing a different character with a different script. 

For Ester to release herself from her current chapter’s meaning making system, she will need to understand what that current meaning making situation is! What filter is she seeing the world through? 

When you create a big new goal for yourself, you are changing your meaning system. You had certain beliefs about the world and acted according to them. To work toward a categorically different life goal is to shake up your meaning system, which requires you to be able to step back and look critically at your current assumptions and beliefs in order to create and choose the new set of beliefs that support your new vision and goal. 

Ester worked hard to get that well paid job and may have thought that the security from the job would bring her enough contentment, only to realize that there wasn’t enough meaning there for her. She will have to step back and examine the level of security she needs moving forward, and how much agency and power she has to thrive in a different context. 

So, back to you —  are you in an environment that is making you feel incomplete, stuck or unrealized in some way? What is the way that you are seeing the world from this environment? 

If this sounds like you and you feel like you’re ready for a big change, part of your job is to take the space to look at your entire life and suss out what is working for you that you want to keep and what you want to let go of or discard. 

Instead of what sparks joy for you, ask ‘What adds meaning to my life?’

As you start to separate yourself from your current context, beginning the releasing process, you may start to experience feelings of grief or even shame that this former goal didn’t work out. This brings us to the next phase “Healing”. 

Stage #2 - Healing

As Ester starts to realize that her old dream is over, she begins to feel a little defeated, even humiliated. 

She feels kind of like “a nothing”. Her relationships feel estranged. Her sense of self has been shaken as she sits with this question, who am I now? 

With the ending of a chapter in sight, there comes a new sense of loss and disorientation, and not a lot of hope. 

During the Healing stage, the work is on accepting that you are a little lost and that this is not tragic but it’s a necessary step of renewing yourself as something else. 

You focus on regeneration, slowing down and focusing more on ‘being’ and less on ‘doing’. 

Ester has been spending more and more time in her apartment, turning down social engagements that she used to really enjoy. Instead she has been cooking warm dinners for herself and surprised that she actually is finally meditating more! 

She is doing a lot of internal processing, going back to the past and questioning it, processing it through journaling. She’s looking for some new perspectives and ultimately some acceptance. 

While it felt a little strange at first, she’s now feeling a lot more at home with herself. 

She’s finding an unexpected strength in being alone. It feels freeing to not have to be anything to anyone during a time where she feels like mush

While people may look to a therapist or coach for more support during their healing process, the bulk of the processing and reprogramming of your mental health will happen on your own. 

Ultimately, the healing stage is a time to grieve and let go, which is a natural and necessary stage in the change process. 

There is not a set amount of time that it takes to heal, though it will likely not happen in mere days. And it’s not to say that you will heal all your wounds, but more that you heal enough to move on to your next phase. 

So when do you know you’re ready? 

After a couple months, Ester starts feeling a shift in her energy. She feels much more in line and in tune with herself which feels like a victory, something to feel joyous and grateful for. The external acknowledgements and accolades she once felt were very much needed don’t feel as important as it is to just simply be good with herself. 

She is not hungry to get back to the world of doing, in fact she is really satisfied with just how much she is feeling! 

There is a newfound inner richness she feels she possesses that leads to a growing excitement about the future. She feels hopeful for the first time in awhile. 

She is ready to explore! 

So, back to you —  are you feeling like you could curl up and just stay home for the rest of your life? Or are you feeling like you’ve been gathering energy for some time now and can feel your desire to go out into the world open up again? 

If this sounds like you, you’re likely in the healing phase. Your work is to keep tuning into how you are feeling and accepting that you are perfectly fine as you continue to deepen your trust in yourself. 

Stage #3 - Explore 

Ester feels like she just got to the other side of a mini-death. With a loss of her old self, she has do  ne the grieving and resting and can now feel born again. She can revel in the magic of living! 

She starts to feel more joy, lightness, creativity, and excitement.

Fun seems possible again. She just wants to try new things! 

Ester takes up a ceramics class, and goes to a networking event for people who work in conservation. She re-activated her dating profile and is ready to get back out there. She is feeling curious and engaged again. 

She reaches out to someone at the networking event to ask them for an informational interview and she ends up going on a date with someone she bumped into at the ceramics studio! It feels like a lot is happening in her favor. 

The explore phase is about integration of past and present to complete a new whole you that feels updated and resonant. It’s a time to clarify the identity you are forming now, to grow your confidence in it and re-establish relationships around you that affirm your integration process. 

A big part of this time is making new connections. Identity doesn’t happen in a vacuum. We need other people to reinforce the selves that we know ourselves to be or the selves that we are becoming. Making friends and connections that reflect back the new you that you want to become is a critical part of building up confidence and authenticity in a new sense of self. 

So, back to you —  are you feeling like you have been trying lots of new things lately and are hungry to meet new people?   

If this sounds like you, you’re likely in the explore phase. 

You’re starting to explore the world again through your new lens. You have grown in your confidence in a new set of beliefs that will change the way that you feel and act. Most likely, you’re going to start seeing different results. 

With this new perspective that you have, what does travel, making new friends, trying new things look and feel like? 

You are gearing up to launch!  

Stage #4 - Launch

After having spoken with a handful of people who worked at a conservation non-profit and taking a look at her savings account, Ester is ready to make a career pivot. She wants to really make a difference with the climate change fight and feels like all the things she learned during her consulting years can be super applicable to a field that better aligns with what she cares about. 

Her new partner encourages her to quit her management consulting job for good and take the time it may take to get hired in a new field. She’s now confident enough to make that leap and trusts that she can always fill the time she is not job searching with adding to her online ceramics shop she just started on Etsy. She wants to keep this creative practice going as she dives back into full time work. 

This final launching stage is all about making a new dream a reality. Hopefully by now Ester has all the internal resources that she developed during the healing stage and has enough social resources that she developed during the Explore stage that she has what she needs. 

This stage will require her to re-integrate back into the world. She’s been more of an independent actor in the past two stages but this Launch stage involves refinding a sense of connectedness with others in order to successfully launch a new life chapter. 

It’s important to  note here that to be successful in her launch Ester needs to have a solid plan that is able to take her big vision and break it down into logical steps that she will methodically work toward. 

She should be drawing on strengths that she already knows she has. And good time management will be key. 

Despite all the optimism and courage during this time, there are definitely moments where things don’t go as she planned. Her sales have been lower than she hoped with her Etsy store and she is torn between two different jobs at competing conservation organizations. 

To be successful during this phase, she will need to know how to not get discouraged or stalled by setbacks. It’s the person who can consistently adjust and adapt as things unfold who will see their dream happen. 

So, back to you —  are you feeling like you have been working toward your dream? Putting your strategies and plans together and taking each day to systematically work toward your goal? 

If this sounds like you, you’re likely in the launch phase. 

This requires you to be fully committed to your vision for this chapter. Without internal attachment, that true commitment to the dream, it will slip out of your fingers. 

The reality is that this launching phase requires some life skills that not everyone will be fully equipped with. The ability to collaborate, to lead, to network, to be open to new opportunities, to manage your time, these are not capabilities that everyone has developed as an adult. 

But they can be learned, and so that is where self-awareness and the willingness to learn and grow comes in. The more of us that can develop and hone these launching skills, the more of us that will find ourselves successfully adapting. 

Once you’ve launched, you will find yourself actually in your new chapter. Your dream and vision has come to fruition and you are making the necessary daily actions to keep your dream in motion. 

Some people will feel the itch to move on again quickly, as they are unable to settle into this new chapter and look to pursue some new launching phase. 

But, if you’re like Ester (who is now a couple years into her conservation job and has just gotten engaged with her boyfriend from the ceramics studio!) you are one of the people who can stay in the stability of your life chapter and find a continued sense of security in the stability it provides you. 

Enjoy the results of your launching efforts as you continue to be creative and grow with your dream.  

Closing: 

Were you able to place yourself in the stages of change? Does it make you feel relief to be able to orient yourself or bring up some less pleasant emotions? Do you feel more clear on what kind of activities would suit you based on your current place in a change cycle?

For anyone wanting some extra support during the Release and the Heal phase, I’ll include a special free offer in the episode description that will give you access to an 8 week email series that I created with you in mind. There is one specifically for people who are ready (or about to be ready) to Release a life chapter and there is another one for people who are ready to Heal. 

And for anyone wanting some thorough and guided support from the Release all the way to the Explore phase, check out Coherence Course!